Happy Birthday Shelby!

We celebrated Shelby 1st birthday on Saturday the 24th! We went to Utah for the weekend and took some beautiful flowers to her grave and Travis and I spent over an hour sitting in the grass talking at the cemetery, it was really nice. Its amazing how cemeteries always used to make me uncomfortable but now I think they just hold a completely different meaning... our daughter is not in a cemetery, her body is but she is not and that takes all the fear and anxiety out of it and replaces it with comfort and so much respect for our Heavenly Father and the amazing sacrifice he made of giving up is Son so that we could have all the amazing blessing that we do.

We stayed at my parents house and did a few chores but that night we had cake, or should I say cakes... see Travis and I disagree on what would be Shelby's favorite so we had two cakes, a beautiful vanilla cake with chocolate drizzle and some cheesecake(I bet you can guess which one I chose!). I covered both with candles and we sang and then Travis blew out his choice and I blew out mine.

Overall it was a great weekend, don't get me wrong I for sure have my moments(just ask Travis) but we had a chance to just really focus on her and relive some of the most amazing memories. We love our daughter so much and thank Heavenly Father everyday for the opportunity we have to parents to such an amazing and special daughter of his. Happy Birthday Shelby, we love you and miss you so much it hurts but we will remember you always until we can finally be with you again.

First Camping Trip of the Season...

When went camping this past weekend in Swan Valley a place called the Falls, it was beautiful! It was a little cold but really it wasn't that bad. We went with our good friends Nate and Sally Jardine and we stayed two nights. We cooked in our dutch ovens and made smores and Nate made his very own mallow cigarette! Travis and Nate hiked a mountain and while up there Travis found a 5 point elk antler. And we all went on a walk and pretty much had a great time!

Update...

So no pictures with this one, we just haven't been taking any, sorry! Well I thought it would be nice if I just gave a little update into Travis and mine's live seeing as how I haven't blogged sense the beginning of January...
We found out that we were pregnant in January and after a few appointments we found out the baby was not alive, I should have been about 15 weeks, but the baby wasn't growing right and the placenta was growing like crazy so it was just a little weird, the doctors say it was just another chromosome problem but just more severe than Turner's Syndrome. It was decided that I needed a D&C because it just wasn't coming out on it's own. So we went to the hospital and did that, thankfully it was a lot easier than a C-section, it was an out patient surgery. And don't worry everything is fine, we have experienced a lot worse and this is just another bump in the road but at least it was Everest like last time! We thank our Heavenly Father that we have the ability to have children and for all of the experiences that we have had because the make us into who we need to become to live with Him again.
After that we kind of just felt like getting away and the next week we were going to California with Travis's family, so in the mean time we decided to go to Utah and help my parents unpack into their new house. Then Travis's parents came and picked us up in Utah and we headed to California, it was fun and on the way back we stopped in Las Vegas and Travis took me to go see Phantom of the Opera which was absolutely amazing!
So anyways we've been gone for two weeks so needless to say it's great to be home! We had a lot of fun in the past two weeks. And that's our life in a nut shell.

Happy Birthday Travis!

So on Travis's actually birthday we went to Idaho Falls with the Winks and the Jardines and saw Avatar in 3D and then went to eat at Garcias, which is Travis's favorite Mexican restrauant. But on the next day, a Sunday, we had people over for cake and conversation!
Dan Walker and Devon Sornsen.

The Burton's looking all cute!

Joy and Collin Winks (there's really nothing else to say about this picture!)

Nate and Sally Jardine, looks like Nate and Travis are talking about something pretty intense!

And Travis with as many candles as I could find! So old at 25, but our whole marriage I've been telling him he acts like he's 70 sometimes, but hey he's one hot grandpa!

Indulging in Grief

So I've decided that I need to be honest, I am broken, the reason I want to share this with the blogging world is because for some reason if I say it it will make it truly truly sink into me that it is true and then I can work on fixing myself. I miss Shelby with all my heart, I feel like there is a void in my life, I know I am still a mother and I will have her again but for right now I am missing part of myself, my purpose, I think about her every minute of every day, I feel like she is getting farther and farther away but at the same time I feel like she is with me all the time, I feel devastated but so happy to have had her for as long as I did, really I don't think I can put into words how I feel and no I really truly don't want any ones pity, I am blessed beyond means and would do it all again in a heart beat. I just need to talk.

The reason this is coming now and not before is because I have come to realize my grieving tactic, indulging... in everything food, spending, change, decorating, self pity... everything! As I continue in these habits I feel I am growing further and further away from the person I was and the person Shelby helped me to become, and that's someone I never want to lose. So I plan on fixing myself by simply stating my goals and following up on them probably weekly...

First Goal: To strictly adhere to our family budget, Travis made it and he loves it, of course he does he's an accounting major it's what he does. But I have been under minding him by indulging in things that we do not need but that I want and for some reason I think it will make everything better. I have started by sincerely apologizing for this, meaning I balled my eyes out saying "I'm so Sorry!" and he patiently held me saying I love you and kind of laughing at me... this is what I mean by me being blessed beyond measure, first the perfect husband for me and then a truly perfect daughter!

Second Goal: Less food more exercise! Who ever knows me knows that at one point in my life I ran 3 miles a day on top of taking 3 or 4 PE classes, I was intense, I don't really need or want that again but we do plan on having 6 (according to Travis 5) more kids and I want to be able to do this with out having to worry about heath issues, I've had enough of that, no more bed rest (unless the baby needs it of course) more walking running and just being happy. Working out really does make you happier, I promise.

Third Goal: No more "keeping up with the Jones", everyone knows what I mean, whether you want to admit to it or not you do it, and I have latched on to this idea and ran wild with it, guess what... no one cares what my house looks like! No one cares what I look like (unless I really lack in the personal hygiene ares, which I don't)! I need to do my hair and my make up because it makes me feel good! I need to workout for me not so I can be skinny and show it off to everyone, who cares! As long as I am happy and trying my hardest to be a truly good person, nothing else matters!

Fourth and Final Goal: Grow closer to my Father in Heaven, he has blessed me so much! The most amazing and wonderful husband anyone could ask for, the most beautiful daughter anyone has ever seen! I have in-laws that are truly concerned with our well being and love us. A family that has done everything in their power to help us, parents who love me and really did teach me the true and ever lasting Gospel. Sisters who are absolutely amazing with brother in laws to match. And a brother who if he truly knew what I know with all my heart that he would be waiting at the gates of the temple to be sealed to his family for time and all eternity, Aaron I love you so much! You have the most amazing wife who I love and she really is my sister! I have a testimony and I want to share it more so that Shelby can hear as often as she wants, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church! Eternal Families are real and I have one, Shelby is doing the Lord's work and I will have her again. Travis and I will never really be separated even by death. The Church no matter how many guidelines and rules, will only and can only improve your life because by showing self control you can only become a stronger person.

Thank you for listening and sorry if it doesn't make sense I just had to talk.

Halloween Party!

So we threw our usual dinner in a pumpkin party on Halloween this year! Sorry I can't get the pictures to rotate but you can still enjoy them! The only people I didn't get a picture of were Michelle and Nate and they were a farm girl and her red neck boyfriend! It was pretty funny! The party was great, we all had a lot of fun!

This is Nate and Sally Jardine and I think you can tell what they were!

Collin and Joy Winks, Collin was a rock climber and Joy was suppose to be an on call Docter but really I just don't think she wanted to dress up!

Casey and Kristin Whitmill, were Greasers.

Travis and I were, well I think you can tell

Dan and Amanda Walker, were... lets just say scary, I opened the door and I couldn't tell who it was until I saw Dan, she did a good job!