Indulging in Grief

So I've decided that I need to be honest, I am broken, the reason I want to share this with the blogging world is because for some reason if I say it it will make it truly truly sink into me that it is true and then I can work on fixing myself. I miss Shelby with all my heart, I feel like there is a void in my life, I know I am still a mother and I will have her again but for right now I am missing part of myself, my purpose, I think about her every minute of every day, I feel like she is getting farther and farther away but at the same time I feel like she is with me all the time, I feel devastated but so happy to have had her for as long as I did, really I don't think I can put into words how I feel and no I really truly don't want any ones pity, I am blessed beyond means and would do it all again in a heart beat. I just need to talk.

The reason this is coming now and not before is because I have come to realize my grieving tactic, indulging... in everything food, spending, change, decorating, self pity... everything! As I continue in these habits I feel I am growing further and further away from the person I was and the person Shelby helped me to become, and that's someone I never want to lose. So I plan on fixing myself by simply stating my goals and following up on them probably weekly...

First Goal: To strictly adhere to our family budget, Travis made it and he loves it, of course he does he's an accounting major it's what he does. But I have been under minding him by indulging in things that we do not need but that I want and for some reason I think it will make everything better. I have started by sincerely apologizing for this, meaning I balled my eyes out saying "I'm so Sorry!" and he patiently held me saying I love you and kind of laughing at me... this is what I mean by me being blessed beyond measure, first the perfect husband for me and then a truly perfect daughter!

Second Goal: Less food more exercise! Who ever knows me knows that at one point in my life I ran 3 miles a day on top of taking 3 or 4 PE classes, I was intense, I don't really need or want that again but we do plan on having 6 (according to Travis 5) more kids and I want to be able to do this with out having to worry about heath issues, I've had enough of that, no more bed rest (unless the baby needs it of course) more walking running and just being happy. Working out really does make you happier, I promise.

Third Goal: No more "keeping up with the Jones", everyone knows what I mean, whether you want to admit to it or not you do it, and I have latched on to this idea and ran wild with it, guess what... no one cares what my house looks like! No one cares what I look like (unless I really lack in the personal hygiene ares, which I don't)! I need to do my hair and my make up because it makes me feel good! I need to workout for me not so I can be skinny and show it off to everyone, who cares! As long as I am happy and trying my hardest to be a truly good person, nothing else matters!

Fourth and Final Goal: Grow closer to my Father in Heaven, he has blessed me so much! The most amazing and wonderful husband anyone could ask for, the most beautiful daughter anyone has ever seen! I have in-laws that are truly concerned with our well being and love us. A family that has done everything in their power to help us, parents who love me and really did teach me the true and ever lasting Gospel. Sisters who are absolutely amazing with brother in laws to match. And a brother who if he truly knew what I know with all my heart that he would be waiting at the gates of the temple to be sealed to his family for time and all eternity, Aaron I love you so much! You have the most amazing wife who I love and she really is my sister! I have a testimony and I want to share it more so that Shelby can hear as often as she wants, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church! Eternal Families are real and I have one, Shelby is doing the Lord's work and I will have her again. Travis and I will never really be separated even by death. The Church no matter how many guidelines and rules, will only and can only improve your life because by showing self control you can only become a stronger person.

Thank you for listening and sorry if it doesn't make sense I just had to talk.