So I've decided that I need to be honest, I am broken, the reason I want to share this with the blogging world is because for some reason if I say it it will make it truly truly sink into me that it is true and then I can work on fixing myself. I miss Shelby with all my heart, I feel like there is a void in my life, I know I am still a mother and I will have her again but for right now I am missing part of myself, my purpose, I think about her every minute of every day, I feel like she is getting farther and farther away but at the same time I feel like she is with me all the time, I feel devastated but so happy to have had her for as long as I did, really I don't think I can put into words how I feel and no I really truly don't want any ones pity, I am blessed beyond means and would do it all again in a heart beat. I just need to talk.
The reason this is coming now and not before is because I have come to realize my grieving tactic, indulging... in everything food, spending, change, decorating, self pity... everything! As I continue in these habits I feel I am growing further and further away from the person I was and the person Shelby helped me to become, and that's someone I never want to lose. So I plan on fixing myself by simply stating my goals and following up on them probably weekly...
First Goal: To strictly adhere to our family budget, Travis made it and he loves it, of course he does he's an accounting major it's what he does. But I have been under minding him by indulging in things that we do not need but that I want and for some reason I think it will make everything better. I have started by sincerely apologizing for this, meaning I balled my eyes out saying "I'm so Sorry!" and he patiently held me saying I love you and kind of laughing at me... this is what I mean by me being blessed beyond measure, first the perfect husband for me and then a truly perfect daughter!
Second Goal: Less food more exercise! Who ever knows me knows that at one point in my life I ran 3 miles a day on top of taking 3 or 4 PE classes, I was intense, I don't really need or want that again but we do plan on having 6 (according to Travis 5) more kids and I want to be able to do this with out having to worry about heath issues, I've had enough of that, no more bed rest (unless the baby needs it of course) more walking running and just being happy. Working out really does make you happier, I promise.
Third Goal: No more "keeping up with the Jones", everyone knows what I mean, whether you want to admit to it or not you do it, and I have latched on to this idea and ran wild with it, guess what... no one cares what my house looks like! No one cares what I look like (unless I really lack in the personal hygiene ares, which I don't)! I need to do my hair and my make up because it makes me feel good! I need to workout for me not so I can be skinny and show it off to everyone, who cares! As long as I am happy and trying my hardest to be a truly good person, nothing else matters!
Fourth and Final Goal: Grow closer to my Father in Heaven, he has blessed me so much! The most amazing and wonderful husband anyone could ask for, the most beautiful daughter anyone has ever seen! I have in-laws that are truly concerned with our well being and love us. A family that has done everything in their power to help us, parents who love me and really did teach me the true and ever lasting Gospel. Sisters who are absolutely amazing with brother in laws to match. And a brother who if he truly knew what I know with all my heart that he would be waiting at the gates of the temple to be sealed to his family for time and all eternity, Aaron I love you so much! You have the most amazing wife who I love and she really is my sister! I have a testimony and I want to share it more so that Shelby can hear as often as she wants, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church! Eternal Families are real and I have one, Shelby is doing the Lord's work and I will have her again. Travis and I will never really be separated even by death. The Church no matter how many guidelines and rules, will only and can only improve your life because by showing self control you can only become a stronger person.
Thank you for listening and sorry if it doesn't make sense I just had to talk.
12 comments:
I don't know how you do it Jessica. You are amazing. I'm so blessed to have u as my friend :)
Oh sweetie I am so sorry for your loss. I have a daughter with mosaic Turner Syndrome, so I try to keep up with TS blogs.
I know that every fiber or your being is aching for your baby and that is completely normal. After all, Shelby grew under your heart. If you were not hurting so deeply, you would not be a full human being.
Do things that are good for you! Don't punish your body by not eating right and not exercising.
One of the best things you can do to honor Shelby is to appreciate and take good care of your body.
For years, I felt guilty because my daughter had TS and had problems in school. I fight that guilt today.
But Jessica, just like me, you MUST accept that TS truly is a RANDOM mutation. I didn't do anything wrong and neither did you. Nontheless, losing your precious daughter is so awful and so sad that I can't even bring myself to imagine what it must be like.
Please take care of yourself. There are so many people like me who also care. You are precious.
I can't even imagine what you must be feeling right now. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope the pain gets a little dimmer day by day.
I also totally agree with you about eating right/spending less/exercising more. When you feel good about yourself, you feel better about life in general.
I have struggled for months thinking about the right thing to say to you. Not wanting to make the wrong move or say the wrong thing or bringing up Shelby at in inappropriate time. But you are truly amazing. I don't know how you do it. You have always been a beacon of strength. Even if you don't feel like it right now, I bet you are still stronger than the rest of us.
I love your goals. Sometimes life gets away from us and we lose ourselves without even knowing it. Your plan of attack is awesome. Good luck.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers.
luvs!
You are incredible. Myself, and im sure many others, needed to read this post. Thank you...thank you so much. You are one couragous, honest and strong woman.
I love you.
Joy and Collin
Thank you for sharing your tender thoughts and feelings, Jessica. I feel as if I know you...I have heard about how very special you are through Michelle...
Debbie (Michelle's mother-in-law)
I love you so much! Travis and Shelby too! I miss you. Those goals are wonderful ones that many of us have. I can't imagine your pain, Jessica. I don't know what it's like. I just know that you are strong and that Shelby wants you to take care of you. Whatever that takes. I love you...again.
I'm sharing all your goals right now, although in comparison my self-pity seems so rediculous! Those are 4 amazing goals, and if you can abide by those you truly will be blessed with much happiness. I wish everyone could understand that it's simple changes in life (although they are sometimes hard to achieve) are the ones that aid in our happiness on Earth.
Much love to your family this holiday season!
Thanks for sharing your testimony Jessica! You are amazing.
I just checked in on your blog to see how you're doing. Thank you for your testimony. I feel the fire of it, you mean it. It'll all be okay. You are such an amazing example of faith. I wish you the best. I have no doubt that Shelby watches over you and Travis and is so proud of you.
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