Indulging in Grief

So I've decided that I need to be honest, I am broken, the reason I want to share this with the blogging world is because for some reason if I say it it will make it truly truly sink into me that it is true and then I can work on fixing myself. I miss Shelby with all my heart, I feel like there is a void in my life, I know I am still a mother and I will have her again but for right now I am missing part of myself, my purpose, I think about her every minute of every day, I feel like she is getting farther and farther away but at the same time I feel like she is with me all the time, I feel devastated but so happy to have had her for as long as I did, really I don't think I can put into words how I feel and no I really truly don't want any ones pity, I am blessed beyond means and would do it all again in a heart beat. I just need to talk.

The reason this is coming now and not before is because I have come to realize my grieving tactic, indulging... in everything food, spending, change, decorating, self pity... everything! As I continue in these habits I feel I am growing further and further away from the person I was and the person Shelby helped me to become, and that's someone I never want to lose. So I plan on fixing myself by simply stating my goals and following up on them probably weekly...

First Goal: To strictly adhere to our family budget, Travis made it and he loves it, of course he does he's an accounting major it's what he does. But I have been under minding him by indulging in things that we do not need but that I want and for some reason I think it will make everything better. I have started by sincerely apologizing for this, meaning I balled my eyes out saying "I'm so Sorry!" and he patiently held me saying I love you and kind of laughing at me... this is what I mean by me being blessed beyond measure, first the perfect husband for me and then a truly perfect daughter!

Second Goal: Less food more exercise! Who ever knows me knows that at one point in my life I ran 3 miles a day on top of taking 3 or 4 PE classes, I was intense, I don't really need or want that again but we do plan on having 6 (according to Travis 5) more kids and I want to be able to do this with out having to worry about heath issues, I've had enough of that, no more bed rest (unless the baby needs it of course) more walking running and just being happy. Working out really does make you happier, I promise.

Third Goal: No more "keeping up with the Jones", everyone knows what I mean, whether you want to admit to it or not you do it, and I have latched on to this idea and ran wild with it, guess what... no one cares what my house looks like! No one cares what I look like (unless I really lack in the personal hygiene ares, which I don't)! I need to do my hair and my make up because it makes me feel good! I need to workout for me not so I can be skinny and show it off to everyone, who cares! As long as I am happy and trying my hardest to be a truly good person, nothing else matters!

Fourth and Final Goal: Grow closer to my Father in Heaven, he has blessed me so much! The most amazing and wonderful husband anyone could ask for, the most beautiful daughter anyone has ever seen! I have in-laws that are truly concerned with our well being and love us. A family that has done everything in their power to help us, parents who love me and really did teach me the true and ever lasting Gospel. Sisters who are absolutely amazing with brother in laws to match. And a brother who if he truly knew what I know with all my heart that he would be waiting at the gates of the temple to be sealed to his family for time and all eternity, Aaron I love you so much! You have the most amazing wife who I love and she really is my sister! I have a testimony and I want to share it more so that Shelby can hear as often as she wants, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the true church! Eternal Families are real and I have one, Shelby is doing the Lord's work and I will have her again. Travis and I will never really be separated even by death. The Church no matter how many guidelines and rules, will only and can only improve your life because by showing self control you can only become a stronger person.

Thank you for listening and sorry if it doesn't make sense I just had to talk.

Halloween Party!

So we threw our usual dinner in a pumpkin party on Halloween this year! Sorry I can't get the pictures to rotate but you can still enjoy them! The only people I didn't get a picture of were Michelle and Nate and they were a farm girl and her red neck boyfriend! It was pretty funny! The party was great, we all had a lot of fun!

This is Nate and Sally Jardine and I think you can tell what they were!

Collin and Joy Winks, Collin was a rock climber and Joy was suppose to be an on call Docter but really I just don't think she wanted to dress up!

Casey and Kristin Whitmill, were Greasers.

Travis and I were, well I think you can tell

Dan and Amanda Walker, were... lets just say scary, I opened the door and I couldn't tell who it was until I saw Dan, she did a good job!

Crafts

These some halloween bolcks I painted.

This is an ottoman I made, I'm also going to make a bigger one but just ahven't had the time yet.

Shelby's New Room

So I needed to redecorate Shelby's room because keeping it the way it was when she was here was just helping me have a place to mourn and break down. So we turned it back into the office and put all the baby stuff (except for things I just couldn't put away) in storage. But it will always be Shelby's room.

This picture hung in one of the sleeping rooms in the PICU waiting room and while we were there I fell in love with it, so my mom being the best mom ever found it for Shelby and gave it to her for her one month birthday.

This is a picture of the first time i was able to hold Shelby and these are the cards from her baby shower.

These are some of our favorite pictures and sayings that we love.

Sorry this is kind of a bad picture, but this is the portrait my brother drew, we love it! It hangs in our living room. Thanks again Aaron!

So yeah it's still a very special room to us. We love her so much and the only word that I can come up with that some what describes how I feel is ache, I ache to hold, touch, kiss, snuggle and just to have her again. And we know that we will have her again, we just have to wait and be worthy of her.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-p3e8_XKoRo

Shelby passed away on Wednesday July 1st at about 11:30 PM of heart failure. We held grave side services on Monday July 6th at the Mountain Green Cemetery in Morgan Utah. We are so thankful that many of her family members were able to attend the services. Thank you to everyone who was able to come, we appreciate it more than you know. Shelby was able to touch many lives and we are thankful and proud to be her parents and can't wait to have her again.

Favorite Things...

So she's only done tummy time once before so yesterday I thought I would try it, and she loved it! Or she just loved sucking on the mat but either way right?!

She smiles all the time now, and she just loves her floor toy!

So cute!

And I think her most favorite thing of all is her boppy, she loves to sleep in it and if hse wakes up she's just perfectly happy sitting in it and looking around!

Nursery

This is Miss Shelby's very pretty room! Mostly classic Pooh with a splash of giraffes! She loves it, which isn't that surprising because compared to the hospital it's like the Plaza!

Homecoming Day!

This was Shelby first real outfit she's ever worn! Shelby was discharged on June 16th, after 54 day in the hospital. She was sent home on oxygen and with her NJ feeding tube still in. The 4 hour car ride went great, she slept the whole time! She loves her room and all of her wonderful things that people have given her! Our family is so blessed! Both Travis's and my families have helped us in so many ways and we are so grateful! Aaron and Jessica gave me a place to stay in April before I had her and they lent me their car while she was in the hospital, they are so amazing! Both of our parents have helped us so much without which we wouldn't have been able to survive! Thank you so much to Rose who came and spent time with me every week! Thank you to everyone who came and visited because that really made time go by faster! And everyone who has sent Shelby stuff, it was so nice to come home on Tuesday to a room that already had almost everything she needed! Thank you so much to our ward! We could not ask for a better ward! Just sense we've been home, they have gotten us groceries, helped me clean, and have just come to see and visit Shelby!

So I guess what we're trying to say is that we are so grateful to have our family, the church and our amazing friends! Everyone has been so wonderful! Thank you everyone!

Visitors

Last weekend Mom, Clara and the kids came to visit Shelby! It was so much fun, the hospital gave the kids some different medical supplies to play with so that they could better understand what they do to Shelby. And of course Grandma got her fair share of cuddling in!

Big Girl Bed

Yep she graduated today Doesn't she look so tiny in her new big girl bed!

First Bath and Grandpa Time

It was so peaceful... so much so that Grandpa even fell asleep and was snoring like a bobcat!

She didn't really enjoy the first bath, she even got mad enough to pooh! I'm glad I'm not a nurse!

She was so mad at us but after words fell right asleep!

Moving...

Shelby was moved out of the PICU for the first time on Friday. This is her new room and it's huge, she even has her own bathroom! (which is nice for me!) And we can use cell phones here because there is no life support equipment in the Children's Surgical Unit.

Pretty baby!

Don't you love that face! This is her new toy that we bought her, I love giraffes and he even plays music!

Tummy Time

I know these ones she's not on her tummy but aren't they just cute pictures, she's so pretty!

This is the first time Shelby was ever put on her tummy and she did lift her head a little. They are some pretty good shots of her extra hygroma skin.